Murphy's laws of warfare: Transformers style
by curse-of-the-cat
Summary: The transformers discover that Murphy's laws of warfare apply to them too. Poor mechs. . .
1. Mirage

_**Disclaimer - Transformers (c) Hasbro. I also don't own Murphy's laws**_

_**A/N - Shadowblade - tara and I found a site full of Murphy's laws. So, once I read the ones for war, I began plotting a series of one-shots to various laws of warfare. Sit back, and enjoy these bits of insanity!**_

_**/----------/**_

_The worse the weather is, the more you're required to be out in it._

Mirage groaned. He was out on long-range patrol, and to make matters worse, it was raining, hard. He scowled as he felt the mud coat his armor, turning his pristine blue and white paint to a dull, muddy brown. He almost wished that he was more like Hound, who lived for this kind of thing. He sighed as he rounded another corner, and more mud splashed onto him.

_"Hey, 'Raj?"_

Mirage almost jumped out of his armor. He hadn't expected Hound to comm him, but he did. _"Hey, Hound. What do you need?"_

Hound laughed quietly over their bond. _"I could feel the abject misery radiating from you over our bond. You do realize that the end of your shift is coming up, right?"_

_"I'm counting down, Hound. Trust me." _Mirage could see the lights from the Ark in the distance. He pulled up to the Ark a few moments later, sighing when he entered the

dry, warm entrance hall. He walked down the hall, makng a beeline for the washracks.

Prowl accosted him on the way. "Mirage. I need you to cover Trailbreaker's shift."

Mirage looked at Prowl apprehensively. "What's his shift?" he asked already dreading the answer.

"Patrol."

Mirage twitched. "What? Why can't anyone else do it?"

Prowl sighed. "Because everyone else is attending their duties."

"What's wrong with Trailbreaker?!"

"He managed to hurt himself before his shift, and Ratchet is repairing him as we speak."

Mirage didn't reply, just turned and walked back out into the pouring rain, muttering uder his breath the entire way. He commed Hound. _'Hound? I have extended patrol."_

_"What? Why?"_

Mirage ground his dental plates. _"Trailbreaker hurt himself. I've been asked to cover for him. Tell him he __**owes**__ me."_

Hound sent a wave of love and reassurance over their bond. _"I will. Be careful out there, okay, 'Raj?"_

_"No, I had plans to go and slag my self up just to blow off some steam. I'll be careful, unlike some other mech I won't mention."_

Hound chuckled as he listened to Mirage rant. He looked back at the screen he was looking at and grinned. Jazz hadn't been kidding. Murphy's law did work. It was a shame it was happening to his mate.

_**/-----------/**_

_**A/N - And this is just the beginning! Poor 'Raj. But Hound will make him feel better. Well, read, review, and let me know what you think. I have five more lined up, and probably more after those. **_


	2. Ironhide

_**Diclaimer - Transformers (c) Hasbro**_

_**/------/**_

_When you have plenty of ammo, you can't miss._

_When you're low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of_

_a barn._

Ironhide growled as he laid cover fire for Optimus to reach Megatron. He still had plenty of ammo, so he could keep this up for a while if he so desired, but once Prime

reached Megatron, he turned his focus to Soundwave, who was bearing down on Sunstreaker and Sideswipe. He began to fire, forcing the casette player back. Sideswipe gave him a thumbs up as he rounded on Soundwave, engaging the bigger blue mech.

Ironhide moved to cover Ratchet as he worked on Sunstreaker, when a blast from Megatron's fusion cannon missed Prime by an inch. He raised his gun, and fired, missing Megatron by a mile. He frowned.

Odd. He _never_ missed.

He shrugged it off and went back to the fight, scowling when Scrappper started firing on him. He returned the shots, sighing in satisfaction when Scrapper went down, and into stasis. He ducked incoming fire, and took shelter behind a rock, returning the fire. A loud clang resounded, and Optimus staggered, leaving himself wide open. Ironhide and Ratchet both began to fire, their guns clicking uselessly. They exchanged panicked looks for a second before Ironhide was moving, intercepting the Decepticon leader, fighting him back with his bare hands.

Megatron snarled at Ironhide, and lifting his fusion cannon, fired it, the shot going wide. Ironhide didn't have time to thank Primus before both he and Optimus were attacking Megatron. Megatron broke away from them, and before either Ironhide or Optimus could do anything more to him, called a retreat.

The Autobots cheered as the 'Cons flew away, leaving them to get their wounded back to the Ark where Ratchet, Wheeljack and First Aid could treat them. Optimus fell into step beside Ironhide. "Thank you, old friend."

Ironhide waved the thanks away. "Don' mention it, Prime. Ya woulda done the same for any of us."

Optimus smiled, then slid a glance over at the weapons specialist. "So, why were you using your fists when you could have used your gun?"

Ironhide's shoulders hunched. "I was outta ammo. An' when I was runnin' low, I wasn't able to hit anythin'. Not for lack of tryin' on my part."

"So you used your fists? Really, Ironhide. Come now, use that processor of yours some time. I don't want Chromia coming down here and tearing me a new one because I let her mate die." Optimus said with a laugh.

Ironhide shrugged. "It seemed like the thing to do at the time."

Optimus shook his head as the pair entered the Ark. "If you say so, Ironhide, if you say so."

Mirage had followed the pair, shaking his head. It looked like Murphy's law applied to Ironhide as well. At least he wasn't alone.

_**/-------/**_

_**A/N - Poor Ironhide. Sorry about the delay in getting it up, I had some trouble figuring out how to start the chapter, so I'm surprised it turned out half as well as it did. Well, read, review, and lemme know what you think!**_


	3. Jazz

_**Disclaimer - Transformers (c) Hasbro**_

_**/--------/**_

_The most dangerous thing in the world is a second lieutenant with _

_a map and a compass_

Jazz frowned. Normally, he was pretty good with directions. As in, didn't need them at all. He had to be, otherwise he'd have gotten caught by the 'Cons ages ago. He looked around, then back down at the map. "Aw, c'mon!" he muttered. "Are ya kiddin' me?!" Because according to the map, he was nowhere near where he was supposed to be, and he was supposed to rendezvous with the rest of the Autobots in about fifteen minutes. Essentally, he was lost.

Prowl was not going to like this - not one bit. He sighed and commed Prowl. _"Yo, Prowler."_

_"Yes, Jazz?"_ Prowl said with a sigh.

Jazz smirked. Prowl had given up on trying to get him to use his name, and suffered the various nick-names Jazz came up with. _"I'm gonna be late."_

_"Dare I ask why?"_

_"Cuz I got lost."_ Dead silence met that one. _"Uh, Prowler?"_

Prowl shook his head. _"You. .got lost?"_

_"Yeah. Don't ask me how, I'm not sure how I got me lost."_

_"But. . .you don't get lost."_

_"Well, I did, an' I have no idea where I am."_

Prowl was quiet for several seconds, before he responded. And when he spoke, his voice was strained. Either from trying not to lock up, or explode in anger. Jazz really couldn't tell. _"Jazz?"_

Jazz winced. He was angry. _"Yeah?"_

_"Get back to the base. Now."_

_"I would, if I knew where I was, Prowler. That's part of the problem. I haven' the foggiest idea where I am."_

Prowl grew quiet again, and Jazz could imagine the tactician strangling the air in front of him. "_Jazz -"_

_"I'm in trouble, ain't I?"_

_"You have no idea, Jazz."_

_"Hey! This ain't mah fault! Ya'll thought it'd be a good idea to send me out here!" _he protested.

_"Just stay where you are. I'm sending Hound and Trailbreaker to get you."_

_"Man, now ya just makin' me feel like a little sparklin' again. I didn' do anythin' wrong!"_

_"Stay put."_

Jazz scowled down at the ground. He glared at the map, hoping that it would catch fire under the heat of his gaze. _Lotta slaggin' good ya did me, ya overgrown peice of paper!_ he thought venomously.

A few hours of pacing, more muttering later, Hound and Trailbreaker arrived. Hound transformed and waked up to his boss. "Hey, Jazz."

"Yo." Jazz stood up from the rock he'd perched himself on. "Can we leave?"

Trailbreaker hadn't approached Jazz, and the reason was pretty clear. Trailbreaker's frame was shaking from repressed laughter. Jazz gave him a dirty look, and transformed. _"Can we just go? I wanna refuel, get a shower, and recharge and forget this ever happened."_

Hound laughed. _"Come on, Jazz. Let's get back to base."_

_**/----------/**_

_**A/N - Poor Jazzy. I had to give him a hard time, and besides, if you wanna get technical, he is second lieutenant. Sorta. Well, anyway, read, review, and let me know what you think! **_


	4. Wheeljack

_**Disclaimer - Transformers (c) Hasbro. Also, Murphy's laws aren't mine. **_

_**/--------/**_

_Five second fuses always burn in three seconds._

Wheeljack whistled to himself as he worked on a new bomb for Jazz. Usually his bombs had timers, but this time he wanted to try something new. The humans used to have something on their bombs called fuses. So, lo and behold, here he was, trying to make one. He finished the bomb, and lit it. Supposedly, the fuse was supposed to burn in ten seconds, but the flame went down the fuse faster than that.

The fuse burned in five.

_**Blam!**_

'Jack onlined his optics. "Ow." he muttered, sitting up. He quickly ran a self-diagnostic. "Okay, I'm good." he said, standing. He walked over to where his desk had stood. What was left was a smoldering pile of ash.

"'Jack!"

Wheeljack looked over and grinned over at Ratchet, headfins flashing a merry blue. "Hey, Ratch!"

"What the pit happened?" Ratchet demanded, stepping over various tools and instruments to get to the inventor. "Are you all right?"

"I'm fine! Just dirty." Wheeljack said cheerfully, indicating his soot-smeared frame.

"You didn't answer my question. What happened?" Ratchet asked, pulling out a medical scanner and scanning Wheeljack.

"I'm trying something called a fuse. Apparently humans used them, and I wanted to see if I could use them for my bombs." He chuckled when Ratchet shuttered his optics for a moment. "Ratch?"

"Keep going." Ratchet said.

"Well, I lit the fuse, and it burned faster than I anticipated, and bang!" Jack said, emphasising the bang with a clap.

Ratchet shook his head, and dragged Jack out of the lab. "You're going to go shower, get clean, then come see me."

"Okay!" Jack said cheerfully, walking down the hall towards the washracks.

Ratchet watched him go, shaking his head. He'd done some searching, and apparently his closest friend had also been hit with Murphy's laws. Oh, well.

_**/------/**_

_**A/N - And that brings an end to this one. I'm sorry it's so short, but hey, this is the way Jack wanted it to be written, and since he's bigger than me, I'm listening. Well, read, review, and let me know what you think! **_


	5. Bluestreak

_**Diclaimer - Transformers (c) Hasbro**_

"Blah" - regular speech

_"Blah" - Thoughts_

/Blah/ - Comm. speak.

_**/-------/**_

_When in doubt, empty your magazine._

Bluestreak sat on a cliff overlooking the expanse of desert leading to the Decepticon base. Ordinarily, he'd have no problem with stakeout duty, but at the same time, it was usually _daylight_ when it was his turn for stakeout.

No such luck tonight.

It was well past midnight, and Bluestreak was cold and tired. He sighed as he scanned the landscape. _"Man, I want to go home! There's nothing out here except sand, sand, and let me see, more sand! Mirage would be better suited to night stakeout duty anyway! He can be come invisible!" _he thought sullenly. He'd been out on the cliff for about four hours now, which was weird because most of the time, he was only out on stakeout for an hour or two.

_"Why did I have to get night time stakeout anyway? It's not like the Decpeticons are gonna strike in the middle of the night. Wait! What if the seekers are out? What if they find me? I'm not exactly hidden, not that hiding helps when it's Starscream and his trine. If they are out, I'm dead!" _Bluestreak shook his head fiercely. _"No! No morbid thoughts, Blue! Get a grip! If the seekers were out, I'd hear their engines long before I saw them. Right?"_

"BLUESTREAK!" A voice hollered, getting the young gunner's attention.

Bluestreak went rigid, quietly cocking his gun, pointing it at the source of the sound.

"BLUESTREAK! WHERE THE PIT ARE YOU?"

A flash of red passed in front of Bluestreak, and he panicked, pulling the trigger, and emptying every round into the mech in front of him.

"Ow! Blue! Stop!" Sideswipe yelled, backing away from the twitchy young gunner. "What the frag is wrong with you?"

Bluestreak stared at Sideswipe for a minute before realizing who he was. "Sideswipe! I thought you were a Decepticon!"

"How in the pit do you mistake me for a 'Con?" Sideswipe demanded, moving carefully, as not to aggravate the wounds further.

"Well, all I saw was red, and the 'Con's optics are red, and well, I panicked." Bluestreak said, laughing sheepishly. "I'm sorry, Sideswipe."

"Yeah, well, you're explaining this one to Ratchet. He's not gonna be happy." Sideswipe said, wincing as he moved.

Bluestreak winced, already imagining the wrench colliding with his helm. He was not looking forward to that.

_**/-------/**_

_**A/N - And thus ends another one! Poor Bluestreak, he psyched himself out. Oh well, hopefully Ratchet won't be too hard on the poor mech. Well, read, review, and PLEASE let me know what you think. My story needs love. **_


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